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| Merry Christmas!!! For some reason this year Christmas just doesnt feel the same. To be honest i was absolutely not prepared at all but i was lucky enough to get my shopping done the night before christmas eve! Moving along though.. tomorrow morning ill be on my way to Indiana to spend New Years with the boy =) Im so terribly excited. Im a bit disappointed that i havent physically spoken to boyfriend at all. Ive called and left messages and aside from the occasional text message or email... i havent gotten much of anything. Even on Christmas it was atleast nice enough of me to leave a voicemail. Im a little confused by it to be honest and i dont really know what to think. Am i wrong to allow this to bother me a bit? I have to be understanding to the circumstances. Its christmas and hes probably running around with family and such bt i guess i just wouldve liked to hear from him thats all. Well i guess well see. | | |
| Im nervous again...
i have no real reason to be. Everything is fine. We're working it out and so far its going well. He's being more considerate of my feelings and i'm giving him room to breathe. He texts me good morning everyday and even left me a message last night just to tlell me he missed me. It felt good to hear his voice with such reassurance. WE are working this out and feels very relieving knowing that. But sometimes i wake up and im terribly terribly nervous. I dont know why.. there isnt much that has to do with him but when i start getting really overwhelmed i start over thinking everything. I have so much to do and im terribly overwhelmed. I have my english paper... FAFSA and student loan, register for classes, buy a plane ticket for Indiana (which is killing my bank account), and christmas shopping with very little money. ugh.
breathe.
take a breath
and breathe.
life is too short to be worrying like this.
i need to start thinking about him. Thinking about how everytime he calls, everytime he texts or i have to say his name... my face lights, my stomach gets butterflies and for that second i swear that time stops. He tells me he loves me soo much and my heart resumes beating. and i love him for that... the most out of everything i love him for that.
now thats better.
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| i dont wana be a convenience anymore. It seems i make it too easy for him. Is it convenient for me to have a boyfriend that doesnt have time for me? i didnt think so either. Who am i making happy here? It seems that as the time passes and as much as i would not like to admitt it but with all the change thats been occurring within our relationship i have to ask myself... am i really happy? sure im happy when we are together, and we arent arguing or he isnt falling asleep listening to me talk. it just seems like im in over my head here. i love him..yes.. but at what expense? i know im smarter than this.. i love him but i love me more. I have to. It comes down to what i need and whether or not im getting what i need. Its not like it used to be. our relationship has progressed and we are no longer one of those couples... ya know the ones that always look 100% in love, the ones that give u that queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, the ones that make you believe that maybe there is such a thing as true love and all that fairy tale prince charming bullshit. the couple that everyone wants but no one can ever really fathom. I wish i could even define what kindof couple we are now but it seems like we are slowly less of a couple than even i can define. We hardly spend enough time together to be considered a couple. Sure we say we love eachother and the weight of the promise ring on my finger is a near constant reminder but aside from that im afraid that if it werent for that tiny piece of silver.. he would forget me altogether. Sometimes i think to myself... "i wish i had the balls to not be so available.." But i like spending time with him and in order to prove a point am i willing to endure being a little less happy to try and make him understand how it feels. He wont understand how i feel. Its that simple. Hes too level headed and rational to think the way i do. Sometimes i think if it werent for xanga... i might go crazy keeping all of this in. But it feels good to let it out once in awhile.. talk smack about him, air out my emotions and still keep it a secret. Sometimes i wish that he would accidentally stumble upon this so that something would give him a hint.. god know hes tired of hearing me complain all the goddamn time. | | |
| boy is back from all-state. i havent seen him yet. i missed him... more than i think he even knows. i know its stupid to worry about but... his status says that "all state... is better than real life.." something like that. I just thought about it and well the only thing left in "real life" that all state could be better than.. is well... me. ouch. that one hurt a little bit. I guess reality is... Im not the perfect girlfriend. Am i overreacting? Maybe its just because i know he had a good time and maybe thats all hes trying to say and im too self- involved to realize that. not everything is about me. In fact, when it comes to him well, not much is about me. He's busy... i know that. He's busy. I hate that. We all know this. I miss my boyfriend, i want my boyfriend back. The one who used to bring me flowers for no reason at all, who used to talk forever and it didnt matter what he said..because i just wanted to hear him speak, the one who used to kiss me so passionately, like he meant it every oppurtunity he had. Wheres that boy? The one i fell in love with. That boy is still the same boy, hes just gotten tired of looking at the same stupid girl who fell in love with him in the first place.
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| Boy is away for a long weekend. I miss him of course but its not unbearable. I know he is coming back... he always comes back. Im just feeling very overwhelmed. Im trying to register for classes and i still need to take out student loans and i have to start planning for Indiana but all that has to be done before i even consider Indiana. Im trying to think about this rationally. Prioritize. And now my English paper is due on the 12th and im falling short. Feeling sick and having Tonsillitis kindof put me in a rut. All the exhaustion was managable for awhile, until i started feeling sick and now i really have felt what exhaustion feels like. My body couldnt take it anymore. Not that I've relaxed much these past two days, but at least Im still trying to figure out whats going on. Its like no matter what i cant stop thinking. The only time i didnt think was when I had a fever and a migrane and the only thing i could think about what how badly i wanted to unscrew my head from the rest of my body. Money is a huge issue for me right now and thats where alot of my frustrations stem from. I know that i cant pay for school next semester and i need to accept that i have to take out student loans. Im not getting enough hours although.. slowly im atleast getting a day during the week. i know that no one ever said life was going to be easy but all this worrying is... well.. worrying me. I dont want to think so irrationally. I want everything to fall right into place like it usually does.. Maybe its a bit of a motivation issue. Im a little unsure and confused about what im supposed to do and i just feel like thats some of the issue. I dont know what classes i need, I have no idea how to request or take out student loans and with those two very crutial issues not taken care of my parents will unfortunately and i pray that they dont but will shy away from me going to Indiana. This is something i want to do. It means something to me to be a big girl who flies on her own to spend some of the christmas vacation with her boyfriend and his family. It that so much to ask. really? i dont really do much for me anymore.. and this will be my christmas present to me. Now all this complaining did nt solve my problem.
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